there is the pain body

lately, i have been waking up & not been sure what is my next step, where i need to be. the feeling reminds me when i was 11 and learning to bodyboard in lima, peru. i was not very good, i would set out too early and the wave would break on me, or i would set out too late and not catch the wave. i was unable to stop and feel the current, i just wanted to be in the next step, catching the wave and let it take me. there are a few places where i have been able to lose myself that have stayed clear in my mind. the first is the same summer i learned to bodyboard, i also took optimist sailing classes. from the first time i grabbed the rope in one hand and tiller extension in the other everything felt second nature. Within a couple of weeks i was teaching the new kids how to put together, break down, and handle the optimists. my favorite time was my alone time on the optimist, which i would get the last hour. i loved pushing the dingy on turns, keeping my balance on a sharp turn and beating everyone in the regatas.

i remember before jumping into the optimist for the first time being afraid. what if it turns over and i can't get it upright? what do i do if there is no wind? i do not want to take the optimist to the shore and look like a fool. what if i look stupid? when i stepped in the optimists, i let go all of those feelings and i was able to just be. i have had that feeling in dance classes, yoga, and at times at school. in between i have had struggles for many different reasons.

lately, i am completely confused on what is right for me and what is the right direction for me. this morning i listened to an interview by npr's program speaking of faith with eckhart tolle a part of it stuck with me. here is a quick and dirty transcript of part of their conversation in the unedited version:

1:12:19
trista tippett
a woman who does acupuncture and massage therapy and had been working with women who had been sexually abused and it was a similar story. there was body memory, pain body as you say, that it had to be released as well as any psychological work [...] this is harder that what you are talking about on how we can gain control of our thoughts, because this is below the conscious level. this is not something we know where it is. and we can't necessarily name it with words. or get rid of it with words. so what do we do?
1:13:09
eckhart tolle
[...] it might be harder to identify [...] you can regard it as a different entity, energy form that lives in people [...]
1:14:40 it colors what is happening with the old emotions [...] what i have observed with most people the pain body remains dormant stage, when you hardly know it is there, or you might not feel it at all [...] and then it has an active stage when it very much comes to the service in your life [..] comes it to your mind [...] it needs to feed on more emotional pain [...]
1:16:11
when it arises in you "there is the pain body" that already the beginning of being free of it and recognizing it for what it is, rather than completely identifying with the pain that arises
1:16:39
very often is out of proportion with the triggering event

i was in my car this afternoon, after spending an hour in my apartment during the building process and identifying things that i did not like, plus my allergies went crazy and i started breaking out. i felt out of control. then i thought of everything that feels out of control right now. i was overwhelmed by this feeling of misdirection, out of control, lost, not knowing what is right for me right now. at a red light, i took a deep breath and said "aaaah, there is the ptsd" it was my way of saying "there is the pain body." i felt like a thick blanket feel off from the top of my body. i was lighter. it felt scary, strange and good. after, years of therapy for ptsd, going back to umd and last semesters experience has brought up my pain body back with a vengeance and i plan to let it go, and let it slide off of me. maybe, this way i will recapture that ease i felt in my optimist as a kid.